ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

“The patterns need to change,” I kept telling myself.  “Something has to give.”

I go through seasons of my life that are good, and I think that I have finally made it.  My work is done!  However, that peace and happiness never lasts and I am back to feeling lonely and abandoned.  Pressured by life, work, and the people that I say care about me the most. I think, “Surely, I am not the problem in all of this mess?”

Truth spoke to me and said, “The dangers from your past life are gone, but the destructive patterns still linger.” Therefore, something needed to change.

Well, something did give way that set my course down another road for growth.  Unfortunately, it was while I was at work and my boss was the object of my aggression. Hence the reason I was being forced to sit on a therapist’s couch, staring at all the opulent furniture, feeling the depravity of it all and wondering what light this therapist could possibly shed on this whole horrible situation.

The voice in my head was speaking loudly and saying, “Fix me lady, I am ready.”

FROM STUCK TO STIRRED

I became indignant as I looked around the room. I was mad at my boss, my past, my parents, my world, and anyone that I could remember. As I sat waiting, I could feel myself becoming angrier and angrier and I thought to myself,

I am a Christian, I love Jesus, why am I here? This was my boss’s fault, not mine.

As I sat waiting, I whispered a quiet prayer, “God, where are you in all of this?”

And then I saw it, the table.

REMEMBERING MADISON

Looking down at the coffee table strategically placed in the room, I smiled as I remembered my niece, Madison’s words, “I am the table, he better bring a chair.”  We affectionately called her Madi for short.

I closed my eyes and could see her sitting there with her tiny body poised as she tossed back her hair, proudly boasting.  We were discussing men. As usual, we had very different views on the matter.

Boldness never escaped Madison, she knew she was beautiful, and she spoke of it often. Madison was the epitome of vibrancy, pretty much happiness in a bottle waiting to be uncorked by the next person who wanted to get a taste of her spunk and tenacity.

With her brilliant smile, pearly white teeth, and long auburn hair, she was the essence of God’s beauty and handiwork. She quickly became the center of attention in any room.

However, what we didn’t talk about, what was never spoken, mentioned, or discussed, was that Madi was dying inside. She was full of painful wounds from a childhood as she experienced a mother who could never love herself and a father who never loved anyone.

Madison got her self-esteem from social media.  Her followers liked every bikini-clad shot and twirl of her little backside.  Shallow, vain, and empty, she desperately cried out for the love she so longed for from anyone who wanted to follow her and tell her how beautiful and great she was.  She loved attention.  She lavished her time on her appearance because it got her the attention she craved.  Attention filled her emptiness turning it to happiness for brief moments. That, and the coke she snorted up her nose and the weed she smoked incessantly.

Madi, in some ways was me. Trying so hard to please, to fit in, to be loved, but yet feeling so empty.  She desired the attention and craved the love that only God can give.

God used the coffee table to gently lead me back to these memories of Madi.  He knew I needed to make some comparisons between she and I to gain some understanding of my current conflicts within.

GOD IS LIMITLESS; I AM LIMITED

I began to ponder Psalm 23:5, “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”  I considered two things about a table and something about enemies.

God has prepared a table for me.  A table overflowing with spiritual nourishment good for my mind, body, and soul.  Much to my disappointment, it seems I can only seem to eat and digest a little at a time.  Oh, how I wish I could eat and digest more at one time to speed along my growth process!  Yes, I am always in a hurry for anything good and God.

God is a table for me.  He is a place of meeting for intimate connection and conversation.  He longs to feed me to my fill of His thoughts towards me.  His endless kindness and love will satisfy and ease my insecure, empty places if I let it.

And as far as enemies, I am my worst one.  All sorts of negative core beliefs and stinkin’ thinkin’ have built walls that keep God’s love from reaching me in the places of my heart’s deepest need.

During this time of healing, I began to see where my strategies in life had failed.  Much like Madi, my spans of happiness were short lived because I had come to believe that I was the table.  I believed I could provide everything and be everything that I or anyone close to me needed.  If I just dug in with an iron clad shield over my heart and the will power of a woman gone mad I could make things happen.  I was wrong.

FOR MADISON

Madison’s life was cut short at the very tender age of twenty-one. Our family misses her every day. Her death was not in vain and in some ways, it is bringing clarity to us all. That is what Madi would want. I choose to believe that Madi loved Jesus and even in her pain, and her dysfunction, she found a way back to Him.

To my dear Madi,

I pray that this story and our shared experience will help bring healing to many.
I also hope to point people to Jesus, the only one who can fill the depth of their need.
I know you are in Heaven and that I will see you again one day.
I know you are finally at peace—being held, loved, and adored by the One who died for you.  The One who took your wounds, my wounds, and has the scars in his hands to prove it.

I pray He is holding you now because He truly is the table.

Save me a seat.